The Path Before Me
by Blue Jeans
Summary: They say that you never know what you had until it's gone... A Haruka one-shot vignette about her love for two of the most important women in her life.


That Path Before Me  
*******************  
.blue.  
  
  
"Let not the waves of the sea separate us  
now, and the years you have spent in our   
midst become a memory.  
You have walked among us a spirit, and  
your shadow has been a light upon our faces.  
Much have we loved you. But speechless  
was our love, and with veils has it been veiled.  
Yet now it cries aloud unto you, and  
would stand revealed before you.  
And ever has it been that love knows not  
its own depth until the hour of separation."  
  
-- Kahlil Gibran  
("The Prophet")  
  
They say that you never know what you had until it's   
gone. I never believed them until now. Before me an endless sky   
of possiblities and opportunities stretch out its beckoning   
hands. The winds have lifted me higher than ever before but then   
the silence came and nothing but emptiness remained up in this   
sky, this ocean of darkness. Michiru must have felt the absence   
of the watery sea of our homeland, she spends so much time now in   
the simulation rooms, rebuilding data files that might have   
slipped by and I catch her looking out into the universe before   
us with a pensive sadness that she never used to express   
before.  
  
It is lonely here without the princess. She was our   
everything and as a soldier, I feel the loss of guardianship   
plaguing me like the inescapable silence. It will be centuries   
before communication can be restablished with the city now known   
as Crystal Tokyo, and another century or more for us to return   
from wherever it is that we may roam. I now wonder how we will   
ever be able to last that long.  
  
Michiru suggested temporary hybernation, something that   
Ami had came up with before we had left. Yet, my pride stops me   
as it had many times before. It is too easy a road to take and I   
refuse its comfort. For if I close my eyes, I will dream, and I   
know that dreams will not bring me the peace of mind that others  
take for granted. I have too many memories to recall, too much of   
darkness hidden within me just waiting to be explored, to take  
sleep and dreams for comfort. I cannot. I refuse to. And I fear   
it, but I shall never accept such a feeling within me known as   
reluctance.  
  
Serenity, how you have changed me!  
  
Before I had known Michiru, I had not lived except for   
the call of the wind that was always out of reach to me. I had   
reached for it for so long that when I had finally found it by  
this siren of the ocean, I was surprised. She brought with her  
a curse, a gift, and a future that I chose to take when I   
realized that destiny in itself was inescapable, for it had made   
me who I am.  
  
It was as inescapable as this silence.  
  
Now I see why our *hime-chan had feared her own powers,   
and that her struggles, even in the end, had been painful. I   
miss her. Our daughter, our other-half. I wish I could see her   
now before me, breathing, alive, and smiling. But I have only   
memories to live with now and they are not enough.  
  
A whisper passes by me and I know she's here.  
  
Michiru.  
  
My only salvation.  
  
My only light.  
  
Without her I would be nothing. And even as I live with   
the emptiness of loss, of the faces I can no longer see, I know I   
can survive this silent torment. But I cannot live without her.   
There are such silences that one shall never overcome. I   
acknowledge that now, and over the centuries it was a fact I had   
learned to accept.  
  
I can live without Serenity, knowing that she is happy.  
  
I cannot live without Michiru.  
  
Even now, she smells of the ocean, that distant ocean   
that I fell in love with. She calls to me like no other, she   
calls to me so silently that not even the beautious voices of the   
wind can sweep it away or hide her intentions. Her heart is as   
expressive as those eyes that shimmer into mine like an endless   
stretch of reflective pools. Sometimes I cannot bear what I see   
in her eyes because I see myself and I am plagued by the doubts   
of why she loves me. Yet, in those eyes I have learned to love   
life. Enjoy it for more than the wind, for more than the rush   
and the races and the flirtatious looks and the stolen breathless   
kisses.  
  
Loneliness had once sent whispers through my soul but now   
Michiru fills that with a soothing touch, a soft, lulling call,   
and I am once again set free, this time by love. As free as if   
the wind is still in my hair and pulling me in, towards the   
infinite sky I had left behind me.  
  
She is like that sky.  
  
A perfect reflection that hides the depth that lies   
within.  
  
The ocean transforming before my eyes. Unfurling those   
powerful waves that calms yet can destroy.  
  
She will always fascinate me.  
  
And I will always love her for it. For herself. For the   
ocean within her.  
  
Those pale arms, the color of the untinted foam, wrap   
around me. Her prescence is unavoidable, but her actions still   
manage to surprise me and please me all at once.  
  
"Haruka," she whispers into my ear.  
  
For once, the wind would not have been enough. It could   
never bring out this need and this warmth within me. It had   
never called to me with this deep and hidden passion, this   
intensity beneath the calmness, this churning that has drowned me   
willingly a million times over into a bright oblivion of endless   
passion.  
  
"You are dreaming again." She tells me.  
  
I do not turn to those fathomless eyes, but I can tell   
that she is smiling, yet that the smile is sad and tinged with   
memories of her own.  
  
"I see that you have returned from simulation. Is   
everything alright?"  
  
Her hair shifts upon my shoulder as she nods one brief   
nod of confirmation. No words but I can feel the answer she   
gives to me. Answers that no words can express.  
  
She misses the princess... no, Queen, as well.  
  
I have only the darkness before me on the viewing screen   
to contend with because I am yet unready to face the woman beside   
me, behind me, and all around me. I have yet to concede to my   
defeat at my inability to ignore her and her beguiling presence.  
  
"Are you dreaming of her?"  
  
Was I surprised at such a question? I cannot answer   
that, nor can I say that I expected that. No one ever expects to   
be confronted with such a question, even if they prepare   
themselves for it. A strange paradox, but I have learned that   
life is filled with them.  
  
There might have been jealousy in her voice as well, but   
I am uncertain of that. It is the one thing I could never be   
sure of when it comes to Michiru, when it comes to her feelings   
for Usagi, for Serenity.  
  
Perhaps, she is uncertain herself?  
  
Yet the idea did not suit her, for Michiru never seemed   
to be uncertain of anything concerning herself nor the people   
around her. Michiru was as certain as the sea, unwavering and   
undenying to the depth it hides to the splendid moon and the   
beauteous Earth.  
  
Michiru would not be uncertain.  
  
"Yes."  
  
I cannot deny this, or lie to her. My hand rises and   
grasps onto her wrist, pulling it back as I stand and turn to   
her. Perhaps a confrontation on such a subject had been   
inevitable. It had been the hidden current beneath our   
relationship since we met the odango-blonde child who changed   
into a splendid Queen.  
  
"Are you in love with her?"  
  
Michiru's eyes are unwavering.  
  
Her question drowns me.  
  
She was not like the youthful girls who throw temper   
tantrums at their lovers when they discover that   
their love had been unfulfilled. She would not back down in   
tears when the truth was spoken nor does she hide her pain. The   
ocean swirled within her eyes, threatening to take me with this   
storm, but I would never be able to lie to her. It was not a   
choice but a fact.  
  
Yet, I too am uncertain.  
  
Do I love my Queen?  
  
I had never thought about it until now. Never thought   
about what type of love I had for her. Yes, I had questioned   
myself many times before on the topic, but the answer had always   
been a simple yes. I loved her!... I love her. But who was she   
that I love and what type of love did I hold for my gracious   
Queen?  
  
Do I love the child that I met so long ago?  
  
Do I love the warrior that I protected just as long ago?  
  
Do I love the princess that believed so infinitely,   
without hesitation or bounds?  
  
Or do I love the Queen that now stands in her place?   
Ruling a kingdom and raising a child that I will not see until   
she too becomes a woman.  
  
Who did I love?  
  
Why do I love her?  
  
"Yes, I love her."  
  
There are no tears in Michiru's eyes. But the storm   
within it increased and now she looked... sad? But not confused,   
not demanding, or screaming, or anything like that of a normal   
lover. She was not like that. But if she had told me the same   
thing I might have screamed, I might have raged, or at the very  
least, let the pain spill forth, but that is only a dream scenerio   
because I know -- somewhere deep inside -- that I too will not act   
so young.  
  
That is not to say that Michiru did not have her passion.   
She had more than enough of it! You can hear it in her music, see   
it in her paintings, and I have relived it, again and again,   
every time she touches me or searches deeply into my eyes.  
  
She does not express herself the way that passionate   
youth does with their screaming and fighting and noise. She   
tells me of it in whispers and gasps and the catch in her breath   
when we touch as the darkness surrounds and wraps around us.  
  
She is my passion. My everything!  
  
Some might have said that we have lost our innocence too   
early. They might interpret our silence and our coldness as   
signs of those untouched by love and untainted by passion. They   
might think us aloof and rigid in our belief.  
  
When I look into Michiru's eyes, I am constantly reminded   
of my aliveness, of the intensity within her and the life still   
burning in my breast. I am reminded of the simple joys of   
breathing and the way a touch can change your whole world into   
joy, love, and desire.  
  
I say we never had the luxury of innocence, but we had   
been blessed by the momentary escapes of love.  
  
To be a soldier, there is no youth that you can imagine,   
there are no wars that you have not yet fought, and there are no   
horrors that you have not yet experienced. There is no such   
thing as youth in being a soldier. There is no innocence in   
being one. I can remember the soul I carry is older than the   
cities on the planet of my birth, I know the dreams of blood and   
cries of anguish beyond this time and this place, I remember.   
In remembrance, in duty, in life, I have never known this naivity.   
I have never experienced this youth that others speak of.  
  
But I have experienced love, and that makes up for all my   
years of disenchantment and my days of pain and burning tears   
that refused to fall. Michiru has shown me that, shown me the   
importance of love in my life and Serenity taught me that   
dependence on such a thing is not weakness but a strength.  
  
Every breath I take may be a breath I add to my aged   
soul. Every star I count, may be another landmark on the dark   
road I've travelled. I wish I could spare Michiru those same   
burdens that lie upon her shoulders. I wish I could prevent her   
pain from the words I speak and the truth that shines within my   
eyes. But she is me, and I cannot lie to her as I have done so   
many times to Serenity.  
  
I cannot lie to myself.  
  
Her warm palm reached my cheek, and I tighten my grip on   
her lithe wrist compulsively. I have forgotten that I had been   
holding onto her, but such unconsious needs will not go   
unignored.  
  
There is a wetness to her palm as she sweeps her glove  
covered hand across my cheek, and I blink startled.  
  
"Don't cry." She tells me softly.  
  
I am surprised at my actions. My free hand covers hers,   
and a few of my fingers touch the warm liquid trailing down my   
cheek.  
  
"I'm sorry." I finally say.  
  
I let her go. I step back and let her go. Watching her   
eyes widen slightly like luminous pools of unending sea on a   
stormy day, sad and pensive, hiding secrets I would never be   
able to hear or touch. Perhaps one day, she will allow me to   
explore her soul and discover the treasures that she keeps only   
for herself...  
  
The ocean has calmed slightly, now, and though the sadness   
lingers, she only smiles. Her hands reach for my face, my wet   
cheeks feel that warmth and I am reminded of the power of her   
touch. Her soul brushes against mine, like her lips and her scent   
and her hair. Her beauty threatens to drown me and I could only   
close my eyes and give myself completely over, hoping that she   
will accept this tattered and over worn soul that has yet to know   
rest and life and innocence.  
  
The distance closes and she is in my arms and I am   
complete.  
  
Perhaps I am closing my eyes for fear of what she will   
find there. This need so great for her touch and presence that   
going on without her would be impossible. I do not wish for her   
to know this vulnerability within me for her, this knowledge that   
I would never be able to continue on this journey or any journey,   
without her beside me as my partner, my lover, and my soul.  
  
She is my everything.  
  
She is my serenity.  
  
She is my other half; a part of my broken soul.  
  
I have long learned that living without her is not living   
at all. My hell is life without her; breath without her breath,   
dream without her dream, and life without her life.  
  
There are many reasons why I love Serenity. Because that   
girl-child turned woman still holds an innocence, a trusting   
naiveness I shall never have. She is the light of my darkness,   
she is the dream of my disbelief, she is the faith of my   
hopelessness.  
  
But Michiru is my other half.  
  
She is within me and around me and part of me.  
  
I cannot live without her.  
  
I need her more than the wind that calls my name and   
whispers secrets into my ear, I need her more than the light of   
the rising sun and the smell of the Earth beneath me, I need her   
more than my freedom -- and sometimes that revelation scares me.  
  
I need her.  
  
I love her.  
  
And I would die without her.  
  
Serenity is hope.  
  
Michiru is life.  
  
How can I choose which I love more?  
  
How can I choose between such things of life?  
  
I love Serenity and I always will, but I love Michiru   
just as much and probably more. Some may call me treasonous,   
others, selfish. I cannot deny that my love and duty conflict in   
the field, that many times I am torn between protecting my lover   
and the life of my princess.  
  
But that is the life of a soldier.  
  
I will miss Earth, and the smell rising from the dark   
soil beneath my feet. I will miss its blue sky that have often   
beckoned me forth, to go and reach for the impossible. I will   
miss the silent and haunting songs of the wind that is a part of   
myself, not always invisible and never will it be gone. But for   
now, I will follow my duties and live here in the vast and   
empty space. Traveling from planet to planet, searching for the   
birth of new worlds that had been destroyed after the wrath of   
Galaxia.  
  
The ocean stirs.  
  
I am glad that for now, it is safe to dream of a future  
not on the verge of collapsing. That the knowledge of Michiru's  
life pacifies me. She is breathing my breath, sharing my love,   
and dreaming my dreams. And for now, all of these treasured  
moments will last.  
  
She wraps her pale arms around my neck as she does her   
soul around my own. Somewhere the computer is beeping, telling   
us of the distant world and climates. I catch words here and   
there, but all I can feel is the soft brush of her breath and  
the strong beat of her heart close to mine.  
  
I smile, knowing that those pale arms around my neck may   
soon gain a tan, and I might be able to hear the familiar call of a   
foreign wind whispering secrets into my ears. But for now, I close   
my eyes and turn my ears inward. Feeling her lips on my own, brushing   
against me and pulling me to her. Tightly raveling her threads of   
binding love around me.  
  
For now, I can only hear the rushing currents of the cool   
blue ocean beside me, around me, beneath me, within me. And it   
drowns me and it holds me in its embrace.   
  
The wind spirit within me answers the siren's call and I   
am home...  
  
Home to my love.  
  
  
The End  
  
blue@icedream.f2s.com  
  
*hime-chan -- Haruka is referring to Tomoe  
Hotaru (NOT Serenity-hime). Both Haruka &  
Michiru, as well as Setsuna, are known to  
call Hotaru, hime-chan. Because to them  
she's THEIR little princess.  
  
Dedicated to Naomi, who I'll never email   
about her AWESOME, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL,  
fanfics. *bows to Naomi-sama, bow, bow, envy*  
... ^-^;; Ignore that last part... *cough   
nervously* So go read her "Awakening the  
Spirit" and "The Fire's Secret"  
  
Anyho, this fic is also written to compensate   
for the complaints I've been getting from   
CaviS about being too depressing... (At   
least I'm cute about it when I'm doing it!) ;p   
I thought I'd write something "uplifting", so   
to speak ^-^v and it's not Usa/Mamo so CaviS   
can breathe easy! Hopefully, he'll get a move   
on the next chapter of Rifts *pointed look @ the   
author of Rifts*  
  
Special thanx to my editor A.L. a Campo  
who's help in editting my urr...   
interesting grammar/spelling stories is   
VERY much appreciated!   
  
Well... I certainly hope you enjoyed this brief   
entertainment! ^-^v  
  
Ja ne for now! ^-^  
  
  
.blue.  
blue@icedream.f2s.com  



End file.
